Before anyone gets the wrong impression, I’m not saying I’ve tried seducing anyone. I was thinking recently and decided that seduction would be an important skill to acquire! I mean, can you imagine, ten years into the future, you are famous and pretty. Obviously someone is bound to get jealous of you and will hire an assassin to kill you off.
So, one night, said assassin comes creeping through an open window into your chic apartment, clutching a sharp dagger dipped in poison. You’re in your luxurious bathroom, brushing your hair, when suddenly you hear a noise. You’re immediately on your guard and that’s when you see him.
How will you protect yourself? With nothing around you that can be used as a weapon, you attempt to seduce him. After he’s been seduced, you call the police and have him arrested. Simple.
Or you could just go the old-fashioned way and seduce someone you really like. Either way, you need to learn the art of seduction, girl.
And so, I’ve compiled an idiot-proof set of instructions, which, if you follow perfectly, will allow you to seduce people (or assassins) smoothly and in a suave manner. Trust me, everyone needs a good seduction lesson.
- Run the tip of your finger down their arm– Just be careful with this one, because I know most girls like to keep extra long nails, so make sure you don’t scratch them by accident! Drawing blood will only result in panic and tears and probably an ambulance.
- Bat your lashes– Don’t forget the mascara! Lots and lots of it. And try not to blink too often, because then you’ll just end up looking like a horse with an eye infection, which is definitely not attractive. Not even on horses.
- Whisper in a husky voice– I naturally have an extremely high-pitched and nasal voice, so this is quite hard for me to mimic. This requires tremendous brainpower, and so, when I want to do my “husky” voice, I just imagine I’ve got a heinous cold, with blocked noses and everything.
- Show off some skin– Slip off your shoes! And if you want to take it a step further, you naughty minx, take your socks off too! That’s bound to work, I can guarantee it.
See how simple seduction is? If any of you try and follow this, do let me know how it went. I would so love to hear feedback on this.
I think I’m going to write a self-help book for young women. The world needs me.