This is for all of you that haven’t quite mastered the art of flirting. Please don’t take this to mean that I’m an expert; I simply wanted to provide an outlet for all you young ones who don’t quite to know what to do when in the company of the opposite sex.
Much like my other blog post, How To Seduce Someone, this is a highly vital skill to acquire. Firstly, let’s examine the reasons you’d want to flirt with someone:
- To get your own way– Unfortunately, this is the tragedy of life. Many people like to take advantage of others, and suggest a hint of something, but never fall through. This may seem stereotypical, but don’t you think only those that are physically perfect do this? Hmm. Food for thought. Chicken soup for teenagers.
- To make money– Erm. I don’t quite know why anyone would flirt to make money. I suppose if you were a con-artist, and you’d want to dupe someone, you could attempt flirting with them! That might distract them enough to part with their money and give it to you. I’m not a con-artist, so I really wouldn’t know, would I? Either way, this is a defunct point.
- To flatter shamelessly– I read somewhere that when someone flirts with you, it gives you a natural high, and you feel amazing and on top of the world. And it also gives you a confidence boost, which I suppose is a valid theory. I think I know where this may apply though. You know how all companies have a hierarchy, yes? Well, an employee, right at the bottom of the social ladder were to flirt with their boss, then this might up their status! They could go places! But please don’t take this seriously, I’m not advocating office romance or anything of that sort.
- To make someone their boyf– This is probably the most obvious one. I should have typed this in first. Damn, it never even occurred to me.
Okay, so now that we’ve established the key reasons for flirting, here is your very own personal guide on How To Flirt Effectively. Because I am very apprehensive of being accused of plagiarism, I will admit now that I hunted around on the Interweb and this is mostly what I came across.
- Constant touching– Keep touching the person you’re flirting with. Apparently, this breaks any “personal space barrier”. Obviously if the flirtee* is anything like my friend A, then this constant contact will scare the other person out, and will result in the other person breaking out into involuntary shivers.
- Give them your complete attention– Do not, and I repeat, do not be distracted if another member of the opposite sex walks past you. I tend to be very bad at this, because I cannot control my facial expressions if I see someone very good looking. For example, every time I see Ryan Reynolds in that Hugo Boss Night advertisement, I grin widely, hyperventilate a little and say, “Oh my God, Ryan, I want to marry you, I think I’m in love with you. Scarlet Johansson you lucky betch.” This is why, give them your complete attention, because if you do not, they will be offended and they will walk away from you. I can guarantee that.
- Make eye contact– Please, PLEASE for the love of God, do NOT take that mean that it is okay to stare. Do you know the phrase, “undressing them with their eyes”? No-one likes that sort of penetrating glare. It is most disconcerting and usually results in the flirtee being extremely self-conscious and having the sudden urge to slap you. So when I say make eye contact, I say, briefly. Look at them, and then look away. Look at them, and then look away. Let that be your mantra. Try not to do it too many times because, again, this will look like you have an eye infection, and as the flirter**, you do not want this.
- Lower your expectations– Yes, don’t forget to- wait, what? I know what you’re thinking, but hear me out! According to this website I was looking at, if you lower your expectations, you are “more likely to have fun” and “if you flirt with someone intending to marry them” then you will probably “seem a little desperate”. Um. This actually made me laugh out loud. I don’t think you should lower your expectations, because, that is just ludicrous, but they’re right about not wanting to appear too desperate! Hmm. Maybe I should do another blog post on How Not To Appear Desperate. Oooh, I think I’ve hit upon a gem of an idea for a future post!
The very last thing I can tell you is, please don’t follow this advice word-for-word. I mean, change it a little, adapt it to your tastes, but if something goes wrong, I am NOT to be blamed, please remember that.
*flirtee– The person of the opposite sex (or not, whatever floats your boat) that you intend to flirt with.
**flirter– You. The one initiating the flirt.