I honestly have the worst luck with timing. Words leave my mouth at the most inappropriate moments. It is extremely mortifying, because people almost always get the wrong idea about the person that I am.
Remember my blog post, The Condom Box Incident? That was just one tragic example of how much trouble my mouth can get me into. Here are a couple more.
Twilight Screening- 2007
The whole cinema was filled with throngs of teenage girls, all waiting with bated breath (literally) to catch a glimpse of the beautiful, elusive Cullens, who avoided the sun so they wouldn’t… sparkle in front of everyone and arouse suspicion. Anyway, I want to fast forward to the part where Bella and Edward kiss for the first time.
The scene was set. This was what everyone had been really waiting for. Edward murmured, “I just wanted to… try something” in his smooth seductive voice. Half the girls (and some of the guys) in the cinema melted.
Bella looks at him expectedly. Her tousled hair falls gently on either side of her face. Edward leans in and the chemistry between them is flammable. Their faces are inches apart.
‘This is agonizingly slow,’ I think to myself, uncomfortable for the actors because their faces have been on close-up for a quite a while now.
A few minutes later, and they still have an inch to go. The entire cinema is silent. I have to pee. It’s like someone pressed the pause button, why aren’t they kissing already? I can’t take this anymore.
“Oh my God, KISS her already!” I scream into the empty silence, and then immediately regret it when I realize how loud I am.
The whole cinema bursts into laughter at my comment. I grimace. I shouldn’t have done that. I look to my side at my friend E, and she just shakes her head.
Thankfully, the cinema continues to laugh and I heave a sigh of relief. I probably ruined the “tender romantic” moment for a lot of people, but no-one hunted me down with pitchforks, so I can safely say that a lot of people, like me, were tired of watching them “almost” kiss for five minutes.
Precious Screening- 2010
I think all of you know by now that I’m the talker in movies. I talk. I can’t help it, I simply must comment on every single little thing that goes on in the big screen. This is especially tiring for the person I go to the movie with, because they are usually the kind of people that like to watch a movie in silence and savour it for themselves.
I don’t give them the chance. I’m that loud, rude, annoying person that simply HAS to speak.
This also happened when I went to watch Precious. Incidentally, with E, again.
I don’t know if my blog has young readers, but Precious is a grown-up movie, and in such movies, grown-up things do happen. Anyway, I think it was the part where the mother was masturbating, and then she says to her sixteen year old daughter who was downstairs, “Precious… come help Momma.”
That scene left me awestruck. What could the mother possibly want from Precious? Honestly! I just didn’t understand it, and I think I was so traumatized, I actually said out loud, into the silence, again, “What? Why? I don’t understand what’s happening.”
To the rest of the people in the cinema it was pretty obvious. C leaned over and whispered, “She’s asking her, to help her.”
I still didn’t understand, because a few people had turned back in their seats and were looking at me ominously. So I kept quiet. But I got my movie-partners to explain it to me later, and I wish I hadn’t because it was disgusting and graphic. 😦
Knight And Day Screening- 2010
I would like, very much, to apologize to my friend A for this one. She is definitely the kind of person that enjoys her movies in silence. Also, she was in a sort of huff with me because I had dragged her to watch a Tom Cruise flick, when she really wanted to watch Letters To Juliet. But I had said to her, “Pffft, why would you want to watch a silly romantic movie with letters when you can watch blatant action and suspense?”
I think I was the most annoying when, five minutes into the movie, I realized that I still found Tom Cruise terribly attractive. The last time this had happened was back in 2003 when I watched The Last Samurai with my dad. Goodness, he was so good-looking! And he had aged so well! I was astounded.
“Psssst,” I whispered to A, who was very involved with the movie at this point, “He looks amazing!”
A looked at me, annoyed at having been interrupted when she was clearly enjoying a personal connection with the story and the characters onscreen. But to keep me happy, she flashed me a big smile and nodded. I was nonplussed, and continued, “He doesn’t look like he’s forty-five at all! I love him. I think I want to marry him.”
Out of politeness and respect for my parents, A struggled to stop herself from strangling me with her bare hands. I think I was so blinded with Tom Cruise’s physical perfection, I failed to notice this.
About halfway through the movie, I see Tom Cruise without a shirt on. This is too much for me, and the fangirl inside me bursts out. I squeal into the darkness and clutch at A feverishly. Why must he be so darn attractive when the tabloids have clearly deemed him to be insane?
A, it appears, has also been surprised by his sculpted torso, but she is not as vocal as I am. Instead, she tries to hush me, unsuccessfully, while I continue to scream nonsensical things at the screen.
I punch A’s shoulder, “DUDE. OH MY GOD. He is so hot! WHAAT IS THIS OH MY GOD.”
A winces (my punches are abnormally spunky) and says, “Yeah, we got it, now can you just like, shhh?”
I continue as if I haven’t heard her, “DID YOU SEE THOSE ABS. DID YOU SEE THEM. GOODNESS. I COULD EAT ICE CREAM OFF THEM ABS.”
The whole movie was ruined for A, who just looked at me disgustedly after we came out of the cinema. She also seemed highly irritable. I didn’t know why exactly at that time; I was still revelling in the awesomeness that was Tom Cruise.
So there you go. Three movie experiences that I ruined for two of my very closest friends. I’m sorry, y’all! But, by now, all of my friends are aware of how horrible I can be at the movies, and so now, when they choose to go the movies with me, they know completely well what is coming for them.
And for that, I am thankful.